I’m a mom of two wonderful little boys who are 4 and 2. I love being a mom. It’s rewarding and fulfilling and I love my boys more than anything in the world. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t some days I wake up and just don’t want to be a mom. I don’t want the responsibilities or to hear the arguing and whining and fighting, because those days happen. They happen to me and they happen to a lot more moms than you might think. You are NOT alone. I think that’s why I feel inclined to share things like this, because we, as moms, need to support each other.

I’ve struggled with depression off and on throughout my life even before becoming a mom. I suffered through postpartum depression after having my 2nd son and that was extremely difficult.

There are many days when the boys wake up too early, they start whining and fighting over toys, they spill things and make messes at 8 o’clock in the morning and I just CAN’T handle it. I know a day isn’t going to be great when my anxiety and stress get pushed into overdrive the moment I’m awake. I start to get snappy, I yell too much, and my patience packs up and goes on vacation. These are the days that I experience the most mom guilt.

Mom guilt, for me, puts me in a downward spiral that is hard to climb out of. This week started with days like I mentioned above. I dealt with a whining, clingy 2 year old who wouldn’t let me have one second to myself and a 4 year old who didn’t want to share his toys and wanted to eat chips and snacks for all 3 meals. The first day I yelled, the second day I yelled and cried and the third day I had to physically leave the house because it was all too much. But the thing was, I wasn’t upset with my kids. They were being kids and acting how kids their age sometimes act. I was upset with myself for not being able to handle all the situations like I thought I should. The mom guilt was eating me up. I felt like a terrible mom and like I had failed my kids.

It was MY fault my 2 year old is so clingy and throws tantrums. That must be because of something I’ve done wrong as a mother. It was MY fault that my 4 year old keeps having accidents in his pants. I must have potty trained him wrong.

So I cried and I vented to my husband and I wallowed in my guilt and self-loathing for 3 days and then I woke up. I opened my eyes and I saw what really mattered. I saw a little boy who loves his mama so much. A boy who lights up and smiles every time he sees me. I saw another boy who is growing up too fast and doesn’t need me to do as much for him. A boy who is smart and kind and just maybe a little forgetful sometimes. My love for those two boys never dwindled and I know I’ll have hard days again and I’ll never be a perfect mom, but I’m sure as hell never giving up.

Some days I only see the bad things and the stuff that goes “wrong”. My boys see the good things, like watching the rain and hearing the thunder. Things like making graham cracker sandwiches with chocolate frosting and mini marshmallows. They aren’t judging me. They don’t think I’m a bad mom. My worst critic is myself and if you feel the same or similar, just know that you aren’t alone. Tomorrow we will wake up and we will try again. Forget the dishes, forget the laundry, hug your kids, hug yourself and live to see another day.

Thanks for reading and for sticking around. Head over to my instagram @lovelyheartlife to connect with me and other moms as we try to be the best we can be.