I don’t normally talk about my mental health, but it was too much of a coincidence that I had one of my worst days on World Mental Health Day. Today I was depressed. I woke up and I did not want to be a mom. I felt that I physically and emotionally could not get through my day. My heart was hurting and I was holding back tears. I wanted to curl up in bed and not be a part of the world. Holt watched Paw Patrol most of the day and Greyson took naps off and on in the swing. I felt 100% defeated. I texted my husband in the afternoon and told him what I was feeling so that he could be prepared when he got home from work. I cried a lot today. I wrote down my feelings in my journal with tears streaming down my face because I felt worthless and alone. I felt like I had let my kids down and like I was a bad mom. It was not a good day and I still feel guilty for not being 100% for my family.

I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life. It comes and goes and I don’t usually know how to express my feelings so that those around me can understand what I’m going through or why I’m acting a certain way. Sometimes I feel down and I have no idea why. Lately, I have a million reasons why, I just don’t know how to fix them all. Each day is a different struggle. Tomorrow I might feel better. Tomorrow might be the same as today. I don’t know. What I do know is, I don’t plan on giving up. I have a husband who supports me and tries so hard to help me battle my inner demons and bad thoughts. I have two wonderful little boys who I know need their mama to give them as much as she can, even if some days it’s not much.

I guess the point of this post is to let people know that they aren’t alone and it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not have it all figured out right now. Take the time to take care of yourself. Even if it’s only 5 minutes of alone time. Set a goal to do one thing for yourself each day. Take a shower (that was me today), workout, read a book (even if it’s just one page), sit on the bathroom floor and cry for a minute to let it all out, just do something for you. Prioritize yourself. Everyone is fighting a battle of their own. You’re not alone and you are loved.